Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot