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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.