-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
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1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography