huge valentines day plans this year!!
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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Time heals everything 🙂
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I didn’t come here to be called names
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
A bold strategy