terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
You Might Also Like
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
$3 #books
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40