Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”