I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Art by Pastelkatto
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers