“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
You Might Also Like
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Don’t make me out nice you.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus