Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
*updates tinder bio*
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.