Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
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HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
i think we should see other cousins
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.