Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?