if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
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The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*