My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
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She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
broke down and did it
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Important
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.