Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.