Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
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Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Why soy sad?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Noah
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.