(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
The honesty is refreshing
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell