Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
You Might Also Like
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
#Caturday
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”