Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
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You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain