So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat