Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.