i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime