I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
You Might Also Like
Has science gone too far?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.