I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
58.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold