[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
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How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s