[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
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I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break