WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
You Might Also Like
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Which wines pair best with gloating?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.