Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
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The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational