It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
You Might Also Like
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.