At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Not today, today.
Not today.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin