11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
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“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If only
this could fix me
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks