OH. COME. ON.
You Might Also Like
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
grotesque if literal: baby food
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.