Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
You Might Also Like
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Breaking news:
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.