How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
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You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.