I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
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*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*