Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Holy moly
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Still a very good boi….
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
An odd boast
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Pot warmers of the day.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.