He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
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me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush