It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.