like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
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Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
My nickname in high school was “who?”
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there