interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Previously On Persistence 😎
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet