People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare