[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
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Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Just as the prophecy foretold
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Holy moly
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation