Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
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call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands