an octopus is just a wet spider
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I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.