Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
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alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
my immune system told me it鈥檚 a lover not a fighter
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Starting a new job today.
I鈥檓 not sure what company, but it鈥檚 wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He鈥檚 been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 馃槓
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 馃
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he鈥檚 already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.