I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
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People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect