I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
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“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Solving a traffic jam
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.