Lmao the reply
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Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Oh my God.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.