gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
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It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.