[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)