I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
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Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.